Upon hearing the "Holy Utterance" spoken in their presence, current members of the Order of Murtaugh will stealthily approach the speaker to confirm that they meet the minimum age requirement and are of suitable demeanor. If they do, they are given a cryptic business card containing only a phone number.
A couple weeks ago, after completing a strenuous 45-minute run, I leaned hard against a telephone pole gasping for oxygen and said to no one in particular, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
I didn't know it at the time, but it was statement that would change my life.
A man out walking his dog quietly approached me, handed me a business card, and very matter-of-factly said, "You need to call this number." Intrigued, I did so.
I am pleased to report that having recently passed the Rites of Initiation, I too am now a proud member of the Order of Murtaugh, the order of "guys who are getting too old for this shit."
Now some of you may be thinking, "That's absurd. Murtaugh was character from the Lethal Weapon movie franchise." What you don't realize is that "coincidence" is in fact a secret Hollywood nod to our great and noble founder, the forgotten ancient Emperor Murtaugh who, while repelling an especially large barbarian invasion, was reported in the great oral histories to have said to his closest advisors, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
And thus, a legend was born. A legend that would repeat itself several times over history. Examples include George Washington while crossing the Delaware River, General Robert E. Lee at Chancellorsville, Winston Churchill during the Blitz, John Wayne during the filming of Cahill: US Marshall, and Lance Armstrong in the Alps during his final Tour de France. All great men, and all members of the Order of Murtaugh who, at the precipice of defeat muttered, "I'm getting too old for this shit," and succeeded anyway.
Because I am still new to this organization, there are many rituals I have not yet learned, but as best as I can tell, most rituals involve five steps:
1. Griping about something.
2. Taking a swig from your beer bottle.
3. Setting the beer bottle back on the table forcefully.
4. Waiting three seconds.
5. Saying the Holy Utterance.
Generally speaking, I've never been a big fan of societies or fraternities, but something tells me I'm going to like this one...
5 comments:
What is it about older guys, who strive to behave like younger men? We’re supposed to already have sown our wild oats, hunted and gathered the wild boar, and (in some cases) clubbed the right woman over the head and dragged her back to our newly purchased and renovated cave, right? Neanderthals, the lot of us. So, why are some of us still floundering around trying to demonstrate our virility? All it does is prove our failing faculties, for sure.
Is there no graceful exit from youth into maturity? Can’t we be wise way beyond our years in the important things in life (football, beer, and being kind to the fairer sex)? As gravity starts to take its toll on all of us, who are our heroes? Who are we supposed to look up to? I’ll bet they’re members of the Order of Murtaugh, and I’ll bet they’re not out there thrashing around the trails, the fields, and the mountains being all manly and stuff. Or are they?
It is our burden as "guys' guys" to be mythic and larger than life for as long as time permits. I think (or at least hope) that this business of trying to behave like younger men is limited to athletic endeavors and feats of strength. I see guys a decade or so younger than I in the workplace and in bars, I see how they handle themselves, and more often than not one simple word comes to mind.
That word is "morons."
The exit from youth into the maturity offers very little grace, I'm afraid. Hence the "Holy Utterance" of the Order of Murtaugh. Don't get me wrong - we identify our challenges and by God we conquer those challenges. Huzzah!!! It's just that we do it with quiet griping and grumbling, and possibly a little lower back pain.
Indeed, we members of the Order of Murtaugh have been known to thrash around the trails, fields and mountains, but we do so with purpose. See that man over there who's calm, cool and collected? The one who looks like he's in charge? That sir, is a member of the Order of Murtaugh. See that other guy? The one wearing a plastic cupholder hat with a straw running to the two warm cans of Pabst? The guy throwing up on himself? That, sir, is a young man. Someday he'll pull it together, but not today, and not anytime soon.
The only concern I'd have with this new Order is getting accidentally blown up while sitting on the toilet.
Phil, something tells me you inspire just as much fear in your toilet as your toilet inspires in you.
Well, you've got that right.
The hits just keep coming...
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